“At first I was afraid
I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live
Without you by my side
But then I spent so many nights
Thinking how you did me wrong
And I grew strong
And I learned how to get along!”
Recognize these hit song “I Will Survive” lyrics? Well they applied to me post divorce.
Prior to my divorce, I heard folks say that “divorce is death for the living” and never was a statement so true. EVERY area in my life was DAMAGED (i.e.: spiritually, financially, emotionally, physically and mentally.) I lost long term friendships who sided with my ex wife and then understood that when you’re a husband, you feel it more because you failed your family unit, your community and worst of all, yourself!
When my ex asked me for divorce it was surreal! I mean in my head I didn’t do anything wrong….I was faithful, a provider, a protector, never physically harmed her, supported her dreams, was an over participatory father to our daughter, my family and friends adored her, etc….so then Why? Her only answer was that I was too controlling and made her feel suffocated!
To top the insult, she asked the judge could she have the privilege to stay in our marital home until our daughter turned 18 (oh let me point out that my daughter was 9 years old at the time.) Then after a long and grueling 8 months (6/6/12) of litigations we were no longer husband and wife!
Over the period of my separation, divorce and post divorce I forgot my “worth!” I became a “slave to sadness,” “a broke down brother” and a “depressed demon!” I gained 80 pounds, stop going out, was bitter and just existed in the world.
So then on January 1, 2015, I woke up, sat in my living room with my list of 2015 goals and as I sat there, I looked up at the ceiling and told God that I plan to have the best year of my life… And I did!
I declared 2015 as “My Year of Achievement!”
I wrote down some achievable goals and they were as follows:
1. Self care myself (Lose 80 pounds in 6 months.)
2. Assist my daughter on her academic excellence.
3. Pass my LCSW examination.
4. Obtain a new job.
5. Rid myself of toxicity (people and situations)
5. Get an award for something.
Well let me put this out in the atmosphere..there is nothing like a “made up mind” because once you make up your mind to do something then God will assist you on achieving that. I knew that God had a better life for me. As Iyanla Vanzant says “I had to put the work in and I did my work! So now a year later, I am 80 pounds lighter (going from 300 pounds to 220), my daughter ranks in the top 5 of her class (with straight A’s,) I passed my LCSW, I now work for the federal government (VA hospital), the folks who appeared to take joy in breaking my spirit are no longer a part of my life and I won 2 awards (2015 Defender Newspaper Men of Excellence and IAAP’s Professional Staff Excellence Award.)
Now 2016 will be declared “My Year of Maintenance.” So the lesson in my message today is if you are sitting down now writing out your goals and resolutions then do the following:
1. Pray long, hard and specific for discipline.
2. Ask God for his support.
3. Believe in yourself and be determined.
Khalid Scott, LCSW, CADC, MISA I, CWEL, LPHA