“Let me make it real clear: Valentine’s Day was celebrated on the 13th of February (for me and my ex married man!!)”…and I was very clear on that!
Recently with all the talk and interested there’s been lately regarding “mistresses” and our fascination with these women, I had a conversation with one of my female friends, who happens to be a ex “Mistress” or for those who are hipper than me (A side piece/Jump off)..I like the title Mistress better..it sounds sexier (for other men of course!!)..lol!
Anyway, I was telling her about another female friend I have who has both a live in boyfriend and a male “jump off” and then my buddy (Chantell–this is a alias name for the purpose of this article) stated that “wow, the tables have turned.” When I asked her if she approves of another women living like this, Chantell explained how men have been doing this for “centuries” with society’s unwritten approval, so why can’t that ladies follow suit??
I thought wow…but anyway, Chantell stated to me that she was an ex mistress of a married man!!
My eyes bucked open and I stated (like I was a innocent choir boy) “Chantell, how could you have let yourself become a man’s second choice sis??”
She stated simply “Khalid, my brother, I decided to become the 2nd woman!!”
I found that statement to be BOLD, but if you folks knew my girl Chantell, then it would make clear sense that she did indeed makeup her own mind up to be in this type of relationship!
Just to set up for you all a mental picture of Chantell, she is the ultimate “Fly girl.” She is very smart, friendly and is the kind of sistah who can be best buddies with not only other women but probably more so with the Brothers..She is so cool like that! She walks with a hard switch, and is clear that men pause when she walks into the room!! And for those of you reading this and saying Khalid, why would you write this article, please understand that Chantell has a powerful testimony and besides, I grew up the son of a mistress and along with my mother, I loved Mr. Lee like a father even though he was married with children!
Well lets get back to my convo with Chantell…She gave me a list of rules that she followed to the letter when being with her married man (so take note both men and women) because she gave up the “Secrets of a Married Man’s Mistress!”
1. Be selective of the woman who you select to be your mistress..she should be ultra mature and understands that she has just as much to lose if the “word” gets out.
2. She must be very clear of the married mans boundaries and for the married man, he must be clear of his mistress boundaries:
Do not ever share what your wife’s name is, her work info, where you live or anything else that might let her know you’re other life..it aint her business!
She is not the wife (so she doesn’t get wife privileges: i.e.: no important holiday celebrations like Valentine’s, Thankgiving or Xmas.)
She is number 2 and in the long run, she’ll never really expects to be number 1.
She should never be invited to go to events where other folks know and/or loves the wife: (do NOT take her to your cousin Earl’s house for his annual bar-be-que or to your best friends baby shower.)
Never take her shopping for your child’s or wife bday gift–(she can use this as blackmail later on after she can’t stand you!!) or don’t buy her and your wife the same gift because you don’t have any imagination!!
Do not ever tell her that you LOVE her!
Do not spend EVER spend an entire night with her–it changes the “GAME RULES” up..This starts the mistress thinking that she might become #1.
Tell her each time that you get with her that you LOVE your wife and Child(ren) first and that absolutely (NOTHING or NO ONE) comes before them.
Chantell’s Advice to the Wives:
If you feel/think that your hubby is cheating..then your right (trust your instinct!)
It’s not “all” your fault….your husband made a decision to cheat!!
Don’t compare yourself to the mistress..men have no real “rhyme or reason” for who they pick to cheat with..(A husband can have a Beauty Queen as a wife and cheat on her with a Bugga Bear!!)
Start making your hubby feel like he has both a wife/mistress (all in one) with you!!
Set marital standards and stick with them: If you say that cheating is a “deal breaker” for you, then MEAN IT….and then leave if he cheats!
Understand that if your husband has taken on a mistress then it’s a bona fide relationship like any other type of significant relationship and that you have indeed lost a part of him!!
As you all can guess right now. Chantell had my mouth wide open and all of my attention..it sounds like being a “mistress” is a business!! And by it being a business, then it’s not to be taken lightly!!
I have known mistresses in both my family and friendship and these women aren’t just some “hoochies” with no soul, they are women for what ever the reason (i.e.: financial, emotional, sense of having someone,etc.) have decided that this married man is not Mr. Right but a convenient Mr. Right-NOW and it’s ok for the moment!
Chantell reported that the reason why she broke up with her married man was because he got “too involved” and didn’t respect or honor the “Boundaries” that they both set up and that was “NO GOOD!” She also reported that after a while she started to fall in love with him and that was no good for her, because if he was willing to cheat on the wife whom he had a home life and 2 children with then, what would stop him from doing the same thing to her!!
I guess folks that I felt the need to write this because I hope that every man works a little bit harder on being faithful to his wife and that all women reading this would not “glamorize” the role of Mistress and/or if married, understands that a mistress understand that her main job is to give a husband what a wife isn’t giving him at home!!
Thanks for reading all!!
STATS ON INFIDELITY
It’s tough to get a handle on how many of us are having affairs, given the inherent secrecy.
22 percent of married men have strayed at least once during their married lives.
14 percent of married women have had affairs at least once during their married lives.
Younger people are more likely candidates; in fact, younger women are as likely as younger men to be unfaithful.
70 percent of married women and 54 percent of married men did not know of their spouses’ extramarital activity.
5 percent of married men and 3 percent of married women reported having sex with someone other than their spouse in the year 1997.
22 percent of men and 14 percent of women admitted to having sexual relations outside their marriage sometime in their past.
90 percent of Americans believe adultery is morally wrong.
50 percent of Americans say President Clinton’s adultery makes his moral standard “about the same as the average married man,” according to a Time-CNN poll.
61 percent of Americans thought adultery should not be a crime in the United states; 35 percent thought it should; 4 percent had no opinion.
17 percent of divorces in the United States are caused by infidelity.
Source: Associated Press
Up to 37% of men and 22% of women admit to having affairs. Researchers think the vast majority of the millions of people who visit chat rooms, have multiple “special friends”. Dr. Bob Lanier, askbob.com
Recent studies reveal that 45-55% of married women and 50-60% of married men engage in extramarital sex at some time or another during their relationship (Atwood & Schwartz, 2002 – Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy)
Only 46% of men believe that online affairs are adultery. DivorceMag
About 60 percent of men and 40 percent of women will have an affair at some point in some marriage “Monogamy Myth”, Therapist Peggy Vaugn
About 24 percent of men and 14 percent of women have had sex outside their marriages, according to a Dec. 21, 1998 report in USA Today on a national study by the University of California, San Francisco.
After the Affair,as reported by the Washington Post on March 30, 1999. Ten percent of extramarital affairs last one day, 10 percent last more than one day but less than a month, 50 percent last more than a month but less than a year, but 40 percent last two or more years. Few extramarital affairs last more than four years.
A lesser known fact is that those who divorce rarely marry the person with whom they are having the affair. For example, Dr. Jan Halper’s study of successful men (executives, entrepreneurs, professionals) found that very few men who have affairs divorce their wife and marry their lovers. Only 3 percent of the 4,100 successful men surveyed eventually married their lovers.
Frank Pittman has found that the divorce rate among those who married their lovers was 75 percent. The reasons for the high divorce rate include: intervention of reality, guilt, expectations, a general distrust of marriage, and a distrust of the affairee.
One-third of divorce litigation is caused by online affairs. This Is An Internet E-Mergency, The Fortino Group
Because of the anonymity, affordability, and accessibility of Internet sexual resources, the computer can accelerate the transition from “at risk” to “addicted,” as well as the progression of sex addiction in those with a history of prior sexual compulsivity. Cooper et al Survey
8-10 percent of Internet users become hooked on cybersex. Dr. Bob Lanier, askbob.com
Spouses who get hooked on Internet porn are a growing complaint among spouses filing for divorce, according to a survey of 350 divorce attorneys. “If there’s dissatisfaction in the existing relationship, the Internet is an easy way for people to scratch the itch,” said lawyer J. Lindsey Short, Jr., president of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, which conducted the study.
57% of people have used the Internet to flirt.
38% of people have engaged in explicit online sexual conversation and 50% of people have made phone contact with someone they chatted with online.
Evidence proves there is a high correlation between on-line infidelity and subsequent real-time sexual affairs.
Evidence supports the existence of disinhibition, accelerated intimacy, and hyper-sexual online behavior that can easily lead to real-time infidelity
31% of people have had an online conversation that has led to real-time sex.
It is estimated that 53% of all people will have one or more affairs during their lifetime.
Look at the numbers from Playboy Magazine:
-2 out of 3 women and 3 out of 4 men admit they have sexual thoughts about co-workers.
-86% of men and 81% of women admit they routinely flirt with the opposite sex.
-75% of men and 65% of women admit to having sex with people they work with.
The fact is that human beings are NOT monogamous by nature. That means they cheat.
Experts say that a gut instinct is the most powerful indicator of a cheating lover. Adultery statistics state that 85% of woman who feel their lover is cheating are correct. 50% of men who feel their lover is cheating are right. The first clue is seldom obvious. Typically, it’s a “feeling” that something is different.
Cheating spouse statistics confirm that 50 and 70 percent of married men (between 38 and 53 million men) have cheated or will cheat on their wives. One study found that 2/3 of the wives (26 to 36 million women) whose husbands were cheating had no idea their husbands were having an affair – largely because they failed to recognize the telltale signs.
According to Annette Lawson, author of Adultery, published in 1989 by Basic Books. “The various researchers arrive at a general consensus…suggesting that above one-quarter to about one-half of married women have at least one lover after they are married in any given marriage. Married men probably still stray more often than married women—perhaps from 50 percent to 65 percent by the age of forty.” According to Maggie Scarf, author of Intimate Partners, first published in 1987 by Random House, re-issued in 1996 by Ballentine.
“Most experts do consider the ‘educated guess’ that at the present time some 50 to 65 percent of husbands and 45 to 55 percent of wives become extramaritally involved by the age of 40 to be a relatively sound and reasonable one.” According to Peggy Vaughan, author of The Monogamy Myth, first published in 1989 by Newmarket Press (third edition published 2003).
Conservative infidelity statistics estimate that “60 percent of men and 40 percent of women will have an extramarital affair. These figures are even more significant when we consider the total number of marriages involved, since it’s unlikely that all the men and women having affairs happen to be married to each other. If even half of the women having affairs (or 20 percent) are married to men not included in the 60 percent having affairs, then at least one partner will have an affair in approximately 80 percent of all marriages. With this many marriages affected, it’s unreasonable to think affairs are due only to the failures and shortcomings of individual husbands or wives.”
Note that the above adultery statistics of the prevalence of affairs were made more than a decade ago; so based on changes in society during the intervening years, the current percentage of the population who have had affairs is probably somewhat HIGHER. For instance, the continuing increase of women in the workplace and the increase of women having affairs on the Internet means that the numbers for women having affairs is probably similar to those for men—about 60%.